There we were - stranded on the runway at Gatwick and El Capitano says we have a little problem with the engine and he must call in the oily rag. Two hours later Mr Nibbles and yours truly are off to Mexico on a 12 hour scally flight - Monarch Airlines - to Cancun, Mexico. This was not a scheduled trip as I had stepped in at the last minute after Mr Nibbles travelling partner bottled out.
I think Monarch is the shittiest airline I've travelled on...ever! The cabin is freezing and all the scallys are draped in blankets and look more like a bunch of Kosovan refugees then fuck-happy tourists!
Quickly reverting to slime-ball tactics, I leer seductively at Sophie, our bum-faced trolley dolly and quip: "Hey Babe, the ambient temperature is a teency on the low side, how bout turning up the heat a little! If y'know whadda I mean??!!"
This baby diesel (from Dagenham??) wasn't having any of it. "I've already asked the Captain" she snapped. "Besides, you are sitting next to the doors - its always colder there." I lost my cool. "Hey, babe, I might look like some dumb-ass chav, but even I know that these cabins are pressure sealed!" She looked at me like I was dog shit. "I'll tell the Captain to turn it up AFTER I've done the drinks" she rasped through gritted teeth. "Ok. Thanks babe, oh...by the way... can you just get Mr Nibbles another large JD n' coke please?", I smoothly countered wearing my biggest, slimiest, fuck-you-bitch grin!
Well, things went from bad to worse, Monarch doesn't even feed you on these trips. 12 hours on a plane and there is not enough free food to feed these two little hungry hamsters! What they do instead, is come round offering monster bags of Maltesers. Thats no good at all - Maltesers are for the munchies or improvisational use as chocolate-flavoured love beads! So it was very much a case of damage limitation! The bar finally ran out of Jack Daniels about two hours before touchdown! As the plane started to descend, Mr Nibbles, using the pretense of hurting ears, cheekily enquired of Sophie: "Have you got anything I can suck on?". She paused, looked him in the eye and brazenly bullshitted: "We don't give out sweets anymore as the passengers have been choking on them." Nice one, Sophie!!
So we eventually arrive and congratulate ourselves for not bringing anything as we are subjected to a more than cursory inspection by Mexican Customs. And then its off to the resort with Gail the holiday rep (a Kasabian fan, would you believe!) and we arrive at our Hotel. A quick check of the facilities confirms that all booze and food is free and the surroundings are clearly going to be very agreeable for a bit of R & R!
Course, in this situation there are a few "required" items which are not on tap. So we have identify our local "Mr Fixit". Our man turns out to be Ed, an American,
on vacation and re-connecting to some happy times he spent with a Mexican chiquita, called Anna, in this part of the world a few years back. Ed is a hurricane disaster recovery specialist and having spent much time in the area knows all the ropes. He is kind of like a mixture of Ernest Hemingway and Ratso, the itinerant down and out, played by Dustin Hoffman in the film Midnight Cowboy. And, I'm thinking its well handy Ed's a disaster recovery specialist! Could be useful in the coming days and nights!
So first things first and we're off to meet Ed's Mexican contact Enrique in downtown Playa Del Carmen at the Giallo Limone restaurant.
owns a fishing boat which he charters out. He also arranges for tourist friends any particular requirements they might have. So business is done, arrangements are made and we agree to meet up Ed and Enrique for an introductory insiders guide to Playa Del Carmen the next day. And I'm beginning to enjoy myself!
Next installment due in a few days!! Meet Ilya, the mad Muscovite, Nadine from France, Joanne from Barnsley, Andy from Doncaster, Mel, the sports therapist from Camberwell, Immy from Wimbledon, Chris from Jacksonville and other crazy singles looking to get fucked....one way or another!!!!
Darren xxxx